A beautiful End

I am days away from ending my college career and all I can say is WOW!!!
I can't believe this journey I have done for four years will soon be done. I must be honest I am a bit apathetic. I am glad it's over, but my question is What's next?
This last semester of my college career has taught me a lot about the end. In my last months the end of school has not been my concern, the end my heart dwelled on was being at the end of myself. There were days I would sit in my car sobbing, screaming at our Heavenly Papa that " I am DONE, I have Nothing left, I am at the end of what I can give." THose were hard days, but in those moments I have never heard the Lord more clearly!
Paul proclaimed that "when I am nothing then I am strong." I have taken those word to heart this semester. At times I had no idea what I was doing, nothing to give, financially broke and feeling helpless in my future career choice. In those thoughts of feeling like nothing the LORD had proved he was not going to leave me and His Spirit is forever strong.
YES!!!! Because of God's love he did not leave us with an apathetic end, he saved all by sending his precious son to die and defeat death! Jesus Christ created for us a life where we don't have to face the end, but instead look forward to a life of everlasting love! When we are at the end of ourselves we can then ask Jesus to  come in our hearts and make us DYNAMITE! It is then we can begin to see that our lives and our plans have been beautifully made!!

A Beautiful Confession

I have been walking with the Lord for some time now. My journey with our Heavenly Papa began when I was 6 years old. Throughout my walk I felt superior and "perfect." My whole family loved Jesus and I knew the Bible and I knew right and wrong. I had to be perfect right? In High School  and in my first years of college, I was disgusted by life choices people made. I thought it was my job to save them.
This last year and a half my heart has been transformed in radical ways. How foolish I was to ever think myself superior. In my disgust of peoples earthly sins, I was ignorant to my own sin-pride. It was 2 months ago that the Lord shook me up and revealed to me this awful sin. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to take responsibility for something I knew was so wrong. I longed to put my fingers in my ears and pretend i didn't hear him. Ignoring my pride only brought upon me, more pride. I knew that I needed to share my struggle with this sin to a friend, but I really didn't want to. Admitting a sin feels like going to someone after a fight and having to admit that you were the one in the wrong. It's embarrassing and humbling and for someone struggling with pride, humble is a hard word to hear.
I tell this to you because the Lord does not want us to be trapped by our secret sins. If we know they exist, he doesn't want us to ignore them either. Confessing sins comes with a flood of emotions. It's not easy, it's embarrassing and often the confession of one sin leads to the confession of another. I heard once confessing sins is like scraping gravel out of skin wound. The tiny rocks are embezzled into the flesh and water and soap are not sufficient materials to get the gravel out, it often takes a tooth-brush. A tooth-brush is not gentle. Spilling out our hearts, more specifically our hearts filled with sin, nis not going to be a gentle process. It can't be, because the cross was not a gentle process. But a beautiful fact is the debt of our sins has already been paid. Confessing our mistakes is difficult and it will hurt, but the Lord will not harm us. Instead he will hug us in relief. He will rejoice in the fact that we no longer have to be haunted by the decisions we have made and you can bet your bottom dollar he will be holding our hand the rest of our walk to make sure he doesn't lose us again.
Confessing sins is a terrifying process. Even realizing the sin exists is terrifying. Hearing the sins repeated out loud often can be more difficult than hearing them in your head, but there is something that happens when they are spoken out loud. The sin loses it's power. No longer can the enemy torment us. When we mourn over our sins the Lord takes our heart and begins to reconstruct us. When we confess the drakest parts of our hearts, the enemy loses his voice and our Papa's voice becomes louder and we will begin to realize we are beautifully made.

A Beautiful Silence

I excel at being loud and obnoxious. My friends tell me they can hear my voice all the way across a room. My presence is known, but not in the pleasant, graceful movie way. My presence seems to be more like a stampede of elephants. I often feel I am labeled as "Crazy Loud Girl." Carrying that impression unveils insecurities I never thought I would encounter. To avoid those insecurities, I try to silence myself, weather it be in a crowd or by myself. However, I found being silent is much more uncomfortable than being the "crazy loud girl." I'd rather hold onto the fear that maybe I am annoying, than to sit in the quiet of my thirsty insecure heart. It is in the though, that the Lord can speak loud truths and demolish all insecurities being thrown at us.
Elijah was a major prophet of the Lord, who was very faithful. In 1 Kings 19:11-18, Elijah was called to go on  a mountain top all by himself. On that mountain top the Lord sent a furious windstorm, and then an earthquake, and then a fire, yet in all that power his voice was not present. When the chaos had ceased and all was calm and quiet, the Lord gently "whispered" into Elijah's ear, affirming who he was meant to be for the Holy Kingdom. Our Heavenly Papa longs to bring glory in the silence. Another incidence of silence comes from our savior. Just before Jesus was crucified he was put on trial twice by two different Judges, Pilate and King Herod. In Luke 22:8-9 it states that, "Herod was delighted to see Jesus because of the miracles he heard of." But during the questioning form Herod, "Jesus refused to answer." His silence led to our eternal salvation. Jesus knew that if he said a word to Herod, the King would continue his delight in him and order Jesus not be killed. Jesus knew that he must be crucified, so that all of man kind could have a chance to live. What beautiful silence!
Being silent can often feel uncomfortable, but when we give it a proper chance our Papa has time to "WOW" us with his precious words. When we take the time to silence our worlds we will begin to hear that we are beautifully made.

Beautifully Broken

The word broken rarely belongs to a positive connotation. When my bank account is empty and I realize I am "broke," I never feel spectacular. When the auto-repair man calls and says that an expensive piece on my car is "broken," joy is not an emotion present in my soul. Hearing people label my family as "broken" because my parents are divorced, does not bring peace. And having a "broken" heart over boy who will never even know or care, makes me feel insignificant. Your heart probably feels depressed and broken for me. I share with you this information, not to search for pity, but to simply reveal that brokenness affects us all and that's the truth. Being broken financially, emotionally and physically often makes us ask "WHY?" Why me? Why do i have to hurt? If there is a God, then WHY do I have so much crap to deal with? In the moments of brokenness, it's hard to see anything that's not broken. In those moments it's hard to find joy.
Believe it our not Our Heavenly Papa rejoices in our brokenness. His rejoicing is not because he is happy we are hurt, no, he is happy because brokenness is a portal to see him as a comforter and savior. In the "Sermon on The Mount," Jesus says "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven."
Our Heavenly Papa longs for us to be joy filled and have everything we desire, but if we never experience those moments of being financially depleted or having our hearts betrayed by those we loved, we would never realize our need for a savior and a comforter. When our hearts break our Lord is there holding us, weeping with us and telling our spirits we are "blessed." A state of brokenness is not meant to be a constant, it is a stepping stone to growing deeper in love with our PAPA. When we begin to realize we are not meant to live a broken life we will begin to see the comforter and Savior that our Lord is and that we were beautifully made.

A Beautiful Rejection

Being rejected sucks! There is no polite way of wording it- It just sucks! No one likes to wake up every day and be reminded of failures, because often that is EXACTLY what a rejection feels like. That denial letter from the school you were hoping to get into, that polite call saying, "I'm sorry you don't qualify," that talk " I love everything about you, but it's just not for me," these are all rejections that SUCK! Sitting in a pile of rejection feels as if you are sitting in a pile of you know what. In these moments it's so difficult to see the greatness our Heavenly Papa has planned for us. Rejection is the fertilizer to our insecurities, allowing them to flourish.
In the Bible, a love letter written just for us, there are countless stories of men and women who faced rejection. Jeremiah was called at birth to be a prophet of the Lord and speak to the people, but nobody followed him. Despite his failure of being heard, he remained faithful. Shadrach, Meshach and Abenego were rejected in to a fiery furnace because they refused to worship another God and because of their faithfulness the Lord rescued them. Jesus Christ, our Beautiful Savior and friend, was denied 3 times by the very apostle he poured into and to add salt to the wound he was taken to the cross to be rejected by the rest of the world. Because Jesus complied with OUR rejection, we do not have to be rejected. Rejection is inevitable, especially when you make a decision to pick up your cross daily and live for the King. When rejection comes our way may we turn to the Lord for strength and allow HIM to flourish rather than our insecurities that remind us we will never be enough. Our Heavenly Papa says we are enough and will NEVER reject our commitment to him. When we recognize that there is ALWAYS an acceptance letter waiting for us in the Kingdom of Heaven, we will begin to see we are Beautifully Made!

A Beautiful Fall

Those days are going to happen. The days when we know we have gone against what we believe and what we are told to do. It's inevitable that we will have days we are for this world and not for our Heavenly Papa. When those days happen, you don't feel your best. I know I don't. When I have those moments I can't bear to look at myself because I don't feel very Beautiful or very worthy of my Heavenly Papa's love. I recently wrote about disappointing people and how that leaves us feeling worthless, but what hurts even more is disappointing My Heavenly Papa.

 I  am writing this and all i can hear in my head is "I will Always love you." Tears are falling down my face. There's that Grace and Mercy. 

Our God loves us so much. He sent his one and only son to pardon our sins! We are his treasures, regardless if we feel like a treasure or not. Many of us have sins we are not proud of weather,  they are in the past or in our future. We must do our best to live righteous and pure lives, but we must remember WE ARE HUMAN and because of that we have a beautiful savior to catch us when we fall. We will fall, but he will makes us pure as snow. It is impossible to live a perfect life as Jesus did, but that's what wer are called to strive for. In our striving we will have those days when we live for this world and we will need the Holy Spirit to wash us pure and when it does our hearts will be humbled and we will see that we are beautifully made.

I HATE to let people down. I don't think any one does. It's not fun to know people are disappointed at you and it's even less fun to hear the disappointment in their voice. Recently I let some dear friends of mine down and it was not a pleasant feeling. I had did my best to do a favor for  them and I failed at it. The result was them feeling frustrated and angry, for good reason though. In that moment I felt less than my best. In fact very far from my best. I did not feel like a beautiful, responsible, well-put together woman. I felt the exact opposite. I was doubting my worth.
In moments where people are disappointed or angry at us it's hard to see worth in ourselves. When we feel people are throwing stones of judgment and anger at us, hurt and fear become the resonating feelings in our heart. The sad truth is this how many view our Heavenly Papa. All they can picture is mighty power holding a stone telling them in anger, "YOU DID THIS AND YOU DID THAT."  Our Papa is a judge, but not like that. Because many picture this mean God they think that He is constantly angry and disappointed at us, so  they are constantly living in fear or unworthiness or worse just become numb to God all together. In John 8 there is a story of Jesus that clearly shows our Papa is not wanting to throw stones.
Jesus was speaking in the Temple at Mt. Olives one day, when the pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in the act of adultery. They said to Jesus, "this woman was caught in the act, the law of Moses says we must stone her." The woman was indeed guilty and I'm sure her feelings were of embarrassment and fear, with very little self worth. Jesus responded to the pharisees, who had stones in their hands, by bending down and writing in the dust. There are many assumptions about what  was written, but no one really knows. After he is done writing he stands up and says, " All right stone her. But let those who have never sinned throw the first stone," he then went back to writing in the dust. He stood up once more and the woman's accusers had scattered. It was just Jesus, the only man with the right to stone the woman, and the adulterous woman. Did he stone her? He did not! He simply said to her " Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." THAT is our Heavenly Papa! He does not look on us with stones of disappointment and anger, he looks in our eyes with grace, love and mercy! WOW!
In our lives we are going to have many times where we let people down and they will be angry, but we must remember that their anger has nothing to do with our worth. No matter how disappointed you make some one our Heavenly Papa will look you in the eyes and say "Neither do I condemn you." When we realize that he just wants to show us Grace and Mercy, we will begin to discover that we are Beautifully Made.